My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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