so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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