it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
