It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
