This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
