Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
