A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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