The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
