I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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