She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
