apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
