hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
please come you make the beer taste better
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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