I hate your face
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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