And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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