I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
