after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
