You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
