i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
