If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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