I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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