guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
