Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
