I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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