I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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