Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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