maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize