How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
