omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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