i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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