her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
