yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
