the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
