you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
