K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
