There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
