So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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