Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
