Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
