A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
