Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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