so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
