he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
