I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
