If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
