Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
