Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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