I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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