i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
