I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
