the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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