Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
