pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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