Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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