I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
