I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
sarcasm needs its own font
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
