Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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