nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
