Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
