piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
