I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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