She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize