There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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