dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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