I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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