bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
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