Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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