How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
